I have and I do. It is for me.
Today I came home from work and then a transition meeting for Lucas. I feel there has been an assumption that since Lucas was in high school he is done growing. I am not referring to physical growth but to growth in comprehension, expression and skills. I do not agree and feel that he needs a more therapeutic environment then the one that he is in . They need to expect things from him and encourage him. I believe he is capable of ongoing growth.
Transitioning him next month to a new program will inconvenience us and our work schedules but I feel he deserves the chance to grow.
I came home with a heavy heart. Until i talked to my dear friend Alane from Maine. Thank you Alane for listening with an open heart which you always do.
There have been a few things that i have kept as a deep secret for many years. It is very difficult to me to speak about the things that are the most painful to me. I am not sure why.
Several patients presented with "things" that dug deep to my heart and feelings today. There is a reason.
The last year has been difficult for us. I am going to share it despite my best reservations.
Our beloved Keenan has struggled with serious addiction. Several years ago he came to us needing our support and we brought him in to our home. He was respectful, honest and SO helpful to us in terms of providing help and freedom for Kelly and I got get away from the day to day care of Lucas. He started to attend a methadone clinic here and i feel that it saved his life.
Keenan has always had a very special bond with his disabled brother. In fact i heard from God that Lucas is in Keenan's life for a very important reason.
Well Keenan tends to attract people of need and he met a woman that was a hot mess. We let her live with us for " a long time" and she was a perpetual victim and was quite frankly crazy. It turned out Keenan and she had an encounter that did not go well and he was charged with domestic violence. He does not have a violent bone in his body.
we then went a year or so with lawyers and probation and clean U/A's until he relapsed and failed drug screens. It is part of the disease. He chose to go to jail to most quickly get out of the "system" which in my opinion should not be considered a "justice system."
While in jail for 6 months he ate bologne as his only protein and never had a fresh piece of fruit or a fresh veggie.
We could visit him but only from computer to computer. He was not treated as a human being and there was nothing therapeutic about it. He had no guidance about transitioning out into life, the community . They also had taken him off of all of his medications!
This is my son, that i love . history of heroin addiction. Off of his replacement meds for 6 months and feeling overly confident. several weeks ago he came to us saying that he thinks he needs to go back on which he has but it is a very slow process. We learned long ago that within the disease of addiction , relapse is to be expected. This for me is soooo hard . I get angry assuming he can control it and that any addict can. Science does not tell us that.
Today I met with several patients seriously battling drug addiction. I see an epidemic of depression and anxiety in our young people, as well as addiction and suicide
I do not have the answers but i feel non judgement is key. I try so hard but sometimes get so frustrated and angry. I pray for my son's happiness and health and for all those who struggle similarly. I have been feeling that holding these secrets is not about being authentic and that is what i really strive for. It has been a difficult year in many ways.
But the beauty supersedes. throwing this whole thing out there to the "world" is a big deal but i don't want to NOT talk about the truth. It is time to demystify and be authentic. Please pray
It is life. it is love, it is sadness, it is sorrow, it is funny, it is ridiculous, it is incomprehensible, it is so beyond... but it is life.