I have been on a mission to use up the paint that is in my studio.     For me being in an art store is like being in a candy store.    I love buying paint and brushes.   At the onset of the pandemic i made a commitment to myself to use up old paint and not to buy new paint unless i knew distinctly that it was a color that I needed.  i have bought paint here and there but i have done a pretty good job sticking to this commitment.  Last night i set out to clean my studio and to organize my paints so that i really know what i have and need.

One thing I have been more and more clear about are what my colors are.    What colors am I drawn to?   What colors am I not really drawn to?   I  am getting very clear about the colors that make up my unique palette.   Some of my paints have gotten really old because they are not the ones i tend to reach for.    I got rid of those paints that i have not touched in a couple of years.  It was an interesting exercise as i thought about my own unique style.   

I ended up with a clean surface upon which to start anew.   I bought this table at an antique store a few years back.  It has a glass top and it is my favorite surface ( palette) to work on.   When it comes to color mixing, my preference is to mix on this surface or directly on the canvas itself.   I do not mix colors ahead of time but more in the moment.  This is what works best for me and my unique style. 

I like that i am gaining insight into my process as a painter.   Another one of the things that I have been doing a lot of lately is taking an older painting and allowing it to become an underpainting of a new piece of work.   Painting over.   I have also committed to not buying new canvases until I really NEED them.   I have many pieces of work that are unfinished and that is where i am placing my focus.  There are times where a raw white canvas calls me but i am really working to use the resources that are already here.  Applying universal principles to my painting process.   

Becoming clearer about who i am as a painter/artist/human.   Stay tuned for some new work!

xo
​Stacia

It has been 6 months since my last blog post.     I am hoping to return to a more regular voice.    

2020 was a crazy year and 2021 is now upon us.    Covid has changed the world in so many ways as well as our own personal lives.   If you would like to share what  the greatest impact you have experienced please do.  

As a physician it has been a huge question mark.    So much we do not know and talk about learning as we go.    A Pandemic.    
As a painter i am thriving.    I feel a new level of confidence in my capability to create beauty.

I thought i would share what happened this weekend in my studio.    I have had a painting hanging in my bathroom now for a year or so.  My husband did not think i should sell it as it is one of his favorites.    I recently posted it and got three interested customers.     The painting officially sold.    I went out to my studio to prepare it to ship to California.    I usually will finish with a coat of gel medium.   It adds a final layer of frosting.   It goes on white but dries clear.     I finished this step and went to bed.   

When i got up the next morning the painting was still white.  I realized my mistake!   I covered it with gesso not gel medium.   Gesso is white and does not dry clear.   Essentially it was like painting white over the entire painting. The painting was lost.  

I could not believe it.   I told my collector that the sale was off and then went to try to brainstorm how i could tackle this situation.    I decided to start with a sander.   I sanded it and found a fascinating texture left behind,    I will continue to work on this painting and i suspect it will come out very interesting...

​ It was stressful but what i know for sure....

My income thank God comes from me being a physician. 

 My art brings me income but i know that this painting has taught me a huge lesson.   I have gotten to a place as an artist where i am confident i can rebuild from a ruined painting and i do know that there is huge value in that.    My confidence as an artist has grown enormously.    The photos show a transition of this huge mess up / lesson.  Stay tuned for where this goes!

My passion remains.   I hope 2021 brings many new beautiful paintings and my gratitude goes out to all those who support me.  

much love,
 
​stacia

My mom had a really bad single car accident last night in Asheville NC.   She will be having neurosurgery tomorrow .  That is a big deal .   I believe that my mother is going to be fine.  

But it brings me to a deeper issue.  She is 84 totally healthy, totally deaf without her hearing aids but capable at this time to manage life with her sweet husband Matt who has dementia.   But my family is scattered all over the country
 
In the last 24 hours i have felt the village that we are.  This includes me and my sisters, Matts kids and partners who chose to be involved and my mom's dear friends in Asheville,  most notably Suzy.   

Suzy you saved us last night.  You gave us peace of mind to know that Matt would be cared for while the medical team focused on my mother.   

I realize the vulnerability of life like i always have as a doctor.  That shit happens and we cannot always be prepared.

What i recognize tonight is the value of the system that is in place to respond when help is needed.  the village.   we must have a system in place where when crisis hits, we have people to respond.  

Lessons learned.  Know peoples phone numbers which we typically do  not know as we are cell phone dependent .  In a crisis it is evident.  

Make sure you have a list of  contacts so you or others may know how and who to contact.

But tonight i realize what a gift it is.  

Thinking of how Suzy showed up to spend the night with Matt in case he woke up in the night and did not remember that his life partner was at the hospital.   That she contacted the police to figure out what happened and to find that the car was totalled.  to follow up with the vet hospital to be sure that Archie, my mom's canine companion was ok.  To assure us that Matt was ok.   

​ A total gift ... family and friends.   

    

I KNOW  there are great police.   Those who are compassionate and care and hope to do the right thing.  

There is misuse of power.   Perhaps tilted towards the black and brown population but I have my own story.   One about not brutality but mistreatment.   One about a dike cop.   Now let me clarify I am not homophobic.  Some of my favorite people are gay and lesbian and i do not use the work dike.  All but for certain circumstances like this one. It is the only time in my life I have referred to anyone as a dike.

This story takes place in 1989.   Probably August i am going to say.   

I was as a 28 year old middle class, well educated, law abiding young woman , married and mother of 1 ( Keenan).  I had struggled so much with the decision of going to medical school at 28.  Leaving Colorado .  All the fears that you hear. How it is going to change you and your marriage and your ability to be a present mom.   I did not want my life to change but i did want to become a doctor.  

We lived in Lyons, Colorado and had a tiny little house that was ours.    We decided that we needed to sell it as we were going to upstate NY for medical school at Albany Medical College.   It was stressful.  I was torn about whether we were making the right decision.   Kelly had to stay back to finish our house and get it sold.   Keenan was 15 months old and was going with me to NY.   My medical school orientation was in a couple of days.  I was so sad to leave Colorado and was intrepid about the upcoming changes.  

Kelly was taking me to the airport in Denver to fly out.  As we were driving down main street in Longmont the tension was present.   Kelly and I started to have an argument,  Nothing big. In fact I have no idea what it was about but we both got defensive and offensive.   As is usually the case with Kelly, when there is an argument he tends to want out.  He pulled over the truck and started walking up the street.    In my normal fashion (lol) I got out of the truck, grabbed Keenan and started to go after him.    When I got to him, reached for his arm and  i said "Kelly, let's talk".    He retracted his arm and said " leave me alone".  

End of story.   Suddenly the police pulled up.  An innocent bystander in Wendy's had witnessed this and called them.   This is where the dike comes in.  She was short and stout and mean and tough.   She told me that I was under arrest for domestic harrassment and she was mean.   Now Kelly is easily 100 lbs heavier than my what was then maybe 120 lbs.   She placed me in handcuffs.  Kelly told her , " no you cannot take her away .  She didn't do anything".  They would not listen and took me to jail .

Because I was leaving the state to fly to NY i was not eligible for bail.   I spent the night in Jail in an orange jumpsuit.  I had to call my mother and tell her not to pick me up from the airport as i was in jail.   How humiliating is that???

I spent the night and the next day went to court.   Me in my orange jumpsuit and handcuffs and a bunch of big guys dressed the same.  Charges?  assault, rape... who knows what else.   I was placed on probation for 6 months in Colorado and left the state that day .   When you fast forward time 24 hours i found myself in NY.  At Albany Medical College orientation. Standing under a huge totally white tent in a dress feeling very excited about what was to come.  I remember meeting new people and thinking to myself ,   " I bet no one else in this tent spent last night in jail".   I was demoralized and embarrassed and incredibly hurt and angry. 

It has been almost 31 years since that happened.   I wrote letters to the editor of the newspaper but other than that could not speak of this story for many years.  Tonight I am ready to put it into writing.    I am a white well educated female mistreated by the police 30 years ago.   It horrifies me what they did to me .   This is mistreatment and inappropriate use of power. 

I know that there are great cops but there are bad cops too.   Those that abuse their power.    And i cannot imagine how that is compounded by having black skin.   There needs to be accountability.  

Thank you for reading.   This was a very traumatic experience for me and I am happy that I can finally see a little humor in it.   Not there is nothing funny about what happened,  other than at this point I can add it as a story of my life.  As inappropriate as it was. 

Police should be held accountable for their actions. 

Peace,

Stacia

      My last blog post was 12/04/2019  and it was two days before i had lymphatic bypass and lymph node transfer done at the University of Chicago.   Many of you know the long story leading up to that but I have been getting a lot of people asking me how is it going?  

I have to say i have been a bit disappointed.   It was a hard surgery and for 4 weeks i wrapped my arm like i was a mummy and my arm was much much better in terms of volume.  I could not wait to STOP wrapping and assumed that was the end of it.    Get a sleeve and move on .    NOPE

I have become an expert in Lymphedema and it is a bear of a problem that is so not understood.   

Amazingly i have found two people here in the Grand Valley that have chosen to be experts in this field.  I did not know they existed.  At first i made a commitment to wear a compression sleeve for at least 6 months.  It does not seem to do much but I wear it.  I have spent about $1000 dollars in garments.  Two sleeves for daytime and 1 for night time.  I have been discouraged because once i stopped the enormous wrapping that did not allow me to wear clothes ( for 5 weeks). the swelling just seemed to return.  It is better than it was but it is now where i hoped it would be

This disease is a beast.  It is chronic and progressive.  I am so grateful that my case is milder than many .  Doctors do not know about it.  Insurance companies do not know about it.  

  I have returned to full on exercise and i am grateful that i have strength and flexibility.   My husband thinks it is improved but i am not convinced.  

Today i met with a massage therapist who is very well versed in lymphedema and she gave me so much hope.  Tonight it feels sooo much better.   What i realize is the surgery was not a fix .  It may help but i still have to maintain the practices of decompression and manual lymphatic massage.  ugh.   

It also is not just about fluid but about the inflammatory response that happens and I am learning the complexity of this disease.  interestingly for the first time there is a medical treatment ( medicine)  that is showing promise.  mucinex (guaifenesin)  of all things. I am not a person to take medications but i am starting it tonight because as i understand the trapped fluid becomes thick and gelatinous and will not move so this may thin it and help it move. 

I am so appreciative for those that have reached out to see how I am doing. It has been a bit discouraging but what i Know is that there is not a cure but a movement in the right direction.  I am committed now to doing this manual lymphatic massage therapy weekly for a while.   Of course it is not covered by insurance but so it goes.  

I am grateful that i have found a couple of local people who have chosen to be experts in this field.   I am also grateful that I have full range of motion and strength of my arm and that I do not have this in my trunk or legs which many do.   I am also thankful for all of the people here that have supported me and reached out asking for an update

No it was not a cure but a movement in the right direction and i realize the long term commitment i have to make , mucinex, sleeves. massage therapy and maybe future surgery, yoga and whatever may come.   we will see...

This is an art site but ...  it involves other important things too.  xo

I have arrived safely in my airbnb in Hyde Park Chicago.   As many of you know I have been referred by my favorite Grand Junction plastic surgeon to a surgeon here in Chicago.   Dr Chang is one of the experts in the exciting new procedure of micro lymphatic surgery.   

I have lymphedema from the lymph node resection i had for breast cancer 7 years ago . It has created some seriousl health challenges and I have done all the recommended conservative measures to try to treat it.  . After appealing Rocky Mtn HMO for the last year, I was able to get them to approve part of the surgery and there is a portion that i will be paying.   The surgery is scheduled for this Friday am.   check in time 5:30 AM.  It is predicted i will be in the hospital for 3 nights

So today i started my travels to Chicago.   I had some anxiety because often the route from Grand Junction to Dallas to Chicago ends up with some serious delays or  turnarounds.    Tonight the travel was on time,  planes we not full so there was  ability to spread out and I arrived in O'Hare at 10:30,  half our early.  I was on a roll.  Got my uber.  Only took about 40 mins to get the the air bnb as there was no traffic and he dropped me off at the airbnb.  Nice looking brownstone.   

Now this is southside of Chicago.   But near the University.   I know that the southside can be sketchy.  I was so proud of how smooth everything was going.  The only problem i had was that my cell phone about died in the last flight but i was relieved the Uber driver had a charger.  Only problem is that as i got out of the uber the phone totally died.   It did not seem to be accepting a charge.  

I had my instructions.   I put the code in the box and the gate opened. I could see an apartment that was all lit up that was sure to be mine.  The door was locked and I was trying the codes but they would not work.  I looked in the streets and in the nearby apartments and being after midnight there was not much action.  an occasional car would drive by with a black man or woman.  I really needed help but noone would have anything to do with me.   I started freaking out If i could use my phone to call the manager of the air bnb i would be all set but there was nowhere to charge up.  

Feeling desperate i remembered that about 1/2 .a mile away there was a McDonalds and a gas station.  I walked 3 blocks north and a couple of blocks west and then had to go under the train tracks.  Keep in mind it  is 12;15 am ish and this  is  southside chicago and i am walking with a purse with a wallet and credit cards, a back pack with an  imac and iphone . 

  I finally got to the mcdonalds hoping i could charge my phone there but it was drive through only.  I am not racist but there was not one white person anywhere.   I was so desperate for help i went up to a couple of car windows to see if they had phones and they just shook there heads and would not open the window of their car's.  

 One lady said to go over to the gas station.   When i tried to walk up to the drive through window to ask for help the lady said stay away, back up and don't come any closer on a  loud speaker .  omg crazy!!!  So i went to the gas station across the street  and there you also could only go to a drive up window.  you could not go in and i tried to ask several people if they had a phone i could use to call my airbnb manager.  All i got were nods of no. 

I have to say i was terrified.   i had dry mouth and i started to walk the 1/2 mile  back to my airbnb.  It is a beautiful street but there was no sign of life and i had a dead phone so i could not contact the owner.   I started to think i may be sleeping on the porch of this attractive building.    When i got back to my building i saw a car sitting out front.   I approached her drivers seat window and told her it was an emergency and that i needed to get in my airbnb. 

 She did not know the owner but she did know that it was an airbnb and she CHOSE  to  trust me and offered to let me use her phone to get the right directions.   Soon i was safe inside my cozy place. 

That was seriously scary.    I realize in retrospect i should have stayed at the airport until my phone was charged but my uber driver had a charger but it did not seem to charge my phone.  walking back from the McDonalds i was praying to God to send me help.  I don't think I have every felt so alone and unable to find help.   

The kind black woman in the car trusted me and she helped me.   
she was so kind.  In fact she committed to stay until i was in the apartment . 
I have never felt so out of place and isolated in a city.  Granted it is after midnight

It is now 2 AM and i am in my cozy spot with a nice glass of Merlot feeling the need to document this incidence. 

   I was truly scared and did not know what to do
Grateful to God for hearing my prayer and sending me that kind woman

here safe and sound and comfy .  Mapping out my walk to the University of Chicago ( via President Obama's home and barber shop)   tomorrow for my preop appointments and the i plan to walk to Jackson Park to see the Osaka Japanese gardens. 
Wow what a trip tonight was .  The fear of possibilities   and impossibilities.  I have never felt like i was so out of place in my life. 

a white girl carrying a backpack and a purse and an i phone and iMac computer with credit cards.     lost and helpless. in the southside of chicago.   I truly felt what it felt like to be a total minority and i was vulnerable.   

God, thank you for sending that sweet woman who was willing to just let me use her phone so I could get indoors.  

Moral of the story,  if you are going to the southside,  have your cell phone charged before you get there.  

The sweetness and safety i feel in this condo tonight is making is a Godsend.  I am comfortable and relaxed and as it approaches 3 AM. i must find rest.  

Love to you all    

Stacia

It is Thanksgiving.   One of my all time favorite holidays of the year.   

I has been small and quiet.    I am on call so close to home .   It was Kelly and Lucas and I.  At first i felt very sad about that.  But after talking to my mom and my sisters and my daughter Hannah who i will see in a couple of weeks and Keenan who is hoping to arrive tomorrow... it is all a blessing.  

This morning i went to gratitude yoga and It was the most perfect way to start the day.   It was a very physical practice with alot of balancing poses.   It was also a very emotional practice for me.   Thinking about gratitude and what is beneath that.   For many as well as myself there is alot of messy stuff.    Like the forgiveness that you wish for for that thing you said or did.   the grief for that person that has not arrived at the family table.  and the tendency to feel lonely for those you miss deeply.  For that loved one who's health is failing that that empty nest that is not empty :) .   But Lucas is at the table and for that i am grateful.   

 Matt encouraged us to look at those feelings.  the grief, the sadness, the regret and the resentment, the pain and the loss.   It is about being human and it allows us to feel that we are alive.  

Our experience with gratitude and grief and sorrow is ours.   It is unique to each of us and it is what we as humans are obliged to feel.  It was so amazing to sweat and to bow and to reach for those feelings and to take them in and let them go and to above all else be grateful for those experiences.  And how grateful i am for the ways that my body carries me.    My body has been so good to me and my health is vibrant.  

today has been a beautiful and simple thanksgiving day.    My cup is so full at the moment.   

Sending love to all of my friends and family.   This is thanksgiving 

May we feel balance in that which we give and that which we allow ourselves to receive

With Love,

​STACIA

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It has been 6 months since my last blog post and i have not been super active at painting or posting during this time.  I wanted to share this painting that i am completing .   It will be hanging at the Grand Valley Yoga Festival this weekend in Palisade.   My dear fellow yogis and friends have orchestrated this second annual festival out of passion for yoga, for community and for the tragic rates of suicide in our part of the state of Colorado.  Suicide rates in this Grand Valley are disheartening and heartbreaking.   

All proceeds for this yoga festival go to suicide prevention.  I am so happy that I was asked to provide a painting to hang at the festival and it will be in the silent auction.   This is a painting about resilience.  It is very large 48x60.  It is a lotus which is a sacred flower in yogic traditions.   
So what is it about this mysterious blossom that people find so enrapturing? Its colorful bloom is an obvious suspect, but the lotus also has a life cycle unlike any other. With its roots based in mud, it submerges every night into murky river water, and—undeterred by its dirty environment—it miraculously re-blooms the next morning without residue on its petals.
Although cultures have their own interpretations of this daily process, there is a general consensus among ancient texts that it symbolizes spiritual enlightenment and rebirth. The lotus stunned people with its ability to dip into the grime and revive itself unscathed—an incredible daily cycle of life, death, and a sudden immaculate rebirth that can only be described as spiritual. It is no wonder the lotus is associated with such celestial symbolism—the flower simply defies logic.

I pray the essence of this lotus and the resilience of blossoming from the mud can trickle out to those in the community that feel hopeless, beat up, defeated.  There is always the potential for rebirth and resilience.  May we all support those that need us.  May we recognize those who are in need of support and inspiration and may we have an impact on the rate of suicide in our communities and beyond.  

thank you for tuning in .  Thank you to Elizabeth , Bryan and Lori for asking me to be part of this amazing festival 
xo
love
stacia

The wedding was totally indescribable.   We were invited by the uncle of the groom who owns a tailor shop where we had jumpsuits made when we first arrived.   Somehow we made a connection with him.  It started when he asked us what we thought about Trump.   I will not go into that further but it started a conversation that lead to a friendship and an invitation to an Indian wedding.   The three day event and invitation to stay in a luxury hotel/palace will never be forgotten.  The colors!!!! There are many pictures on facebook and instagram if you have not seen. 

  This trip to India has been the most exotic trip i have ever taken.  I have met people from so many different cultures.  We have had intimate conversations with Hindus and Muslims, Israelis, Scandinavians.  I love how open they have been to discuss their beliefs and perspectives.  Each have their own worries, passions and national issues of concern.    My mind is open to the many different beliefs and practices that we as humans have.   More than ever I see the thread that we each weave through this majestic tapestry of this earth we live on.  

I am struck by the human condition that has so much more in common than not.  I know that most want peace and want to discuss the issues and the world with hopes of union.   We all breathe and fear and strive and hope to see dreams that come true.   The connection that we feel with so many that we have intersected with is to me a gorgeous thing.  

Today as we drove a motor scooter through the countryside of Goa India we saw people working in the fields, standing at the wayside market shooting the breeze, sweeping the walkways, tending the storefronts.   We drove through the jungle and marveled at the coconut groves.   I love India.   It seems to bring front and center the best and the worst of humanity.   This is a beautiful place. 

Last evening I swam in the Arabian sea as the sun went down in front of me and the almost full moon, the one we all share, rose up behind me.   We then went to dinner and had a beautiful greek salad and wood-fired pizza.   We were told to avoid raw fruit and veggies which we have generally done.  The salad was beautiful and carefully cleaned in mineral water and it tasted divine.   One of my biggest fears was tiring of indian food and missing pizza.   That fear has taken a back seat and the indian food has grown on me though we do seem to find pizza that is  good here and there.   The seafood and coconut curries in the South of India are soooo good.  We were primarily vegetarian in the north.  The chai and tea is such a huge part of the culture here and we have managed to find very good cappuccino as well.  

We were planning to head further south to Kerala after Goa but have decided that the travel time is not something we want to do so we are staying in Goa for an extended time before we finish in Varanasi.   

We have fit in some meditation and yoga but not as regularly as we had hoped and the painting has been minimal but i feel my inspiration brewing for when i return home.   We have had weekly Ayurvedic massages ( so incredible and cheap) and are scheduled for our 4th one this evening.  

So far we have stayed well other than a minor cold that i got and gave to my sister.    Our stomachs have fared well ( fingers crossed!)

My sister Cori has been the best travel partner ever.  We seem to have several things in common. A love of adventure, narrow roads where treasures are around every corner, really finding the off the beaten track spots , comfort but not luxury , a good nights sleep and most importantly seeing that which is real India and interacting with the people.   Yesterday as we were speeding down a country road on our scooter Cori said to me  " memories to last a lifetime".  Our mother would have been horrified a little as we weaved our way around busses and cows and other scooters and our father smiled down from heaven.   The other quote of Cori's that I carry with me is when i said to her "what is going on?"  which we have said oh so many times and she replied " so much more than we can possibly imagine".  

India has a way of really making you aware of that precious facet of life.  That beyond what we we see and understand. 
There is so much that we cannot possibly imagine. 

The month is flying by.   We had a driver for the first couple of weeks which was a God send.  Now we are on our own and i think are doing a beautiful job of navigating this crazy beautiful place.  

So many times i have thought to myself pinch me.   



With love, 

​Stacia and Cori



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